Yesterday I submitted all my requirements to become a certified Existential Kink (EK) coach. Amongst other things, the training required me to do an EK meditation every day and write up a brief log entry about it.

As I was tidying up my log and getting ready to submit it, I found it amazing to see all those entries dating back to July. Honestly, this has been the only meditation practice I’ve ever maintained for more than a few days.

Setting aside all the other amazing things I got out of the training, I feel particularly proud of that EK meditation practice. And I feel a bit sad too. Because without that accountability it feels unlikely I’ll ever meditate that much again.

On the other hand, maybe I won’t need to. Because it’s already helped me to create new mental habits, and reframe how I respond to things. Generally speaking, I feel more empowered. Less like a victim.

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When people ask me how (or why) Existential Kink works for me, it can be hard to explain because there’s something that feels almost magical about it.

There’s a story I tell sometimes to try to explain it. It has to do with how I solved the problem of my gas getting turned off last winter.

It started when I got a letter from Enbridge saying my house was due for a mandatory gas meter replacement. I booked it in late March, figuring by then it would be spring, and I could live without heat for a few hours, but when the appointed day arrived, the temperature was well below freezing, and expected to stay that way for the next few days.

It only took the technician an hour to swap the meter out, but before he could turn the gas back on he said he had to check for leaks. To my surprise and chagrin, he discovered a tiny gas leak at a joint in the supply line—so small it wasn’t detectable by smell. But rules are rules, he said, and my gas had to stay off until I got that leak fixed.

What followed was an epic dance with Enercare customer service. I called. Got put on hold. I called again. Got put on hold again. Eventually I learned their booking system was down, which meant they couldn’t schedule anything. They assured me someone would call me back within two hours. “But this is an emergency!” I kept saying, to no avail.

I wrapped myself in a blanket, sat at my desk, and I tried focus on work as I waited.

Meanwhile my house grew progressively colder. I tried all my usual self-soothing strategies: breathing exercises, comforting my inner child, even venting my rage with a good pillow scream. But none of that made me feel better.

I called Enercare twice more, and each time heard the same story.

By the time three hours had passed I was full meltdown mode. Out of frustration, I put my head down and smashed it on the desk.

Then a question popped into my head – a question I’ve learned to ask thanks to EK:

Am I…enjoying this?

I tuned into my body and realized—yes! There was a kind of pleasure in the drama. The sheer aliveness of it all. It felt like a huge ball of vibrating yellow energy in my chest.

For a moment, as I lay there with my head on the desk, I let myself revel in that pleasure. I breathed into it. Savoured it.

And that’s when the shift happened.

Suddenly, I remembered: the technician didn’t say I had to call Enercare. Any gas services company could fix the leak. A quick Google search turned up six other options. I called each in turn and left messages. Within an hour Bob from City Energy called me back.

By 7:00 PM, my heat was back on. Bob had even found and fixed three additional tiny leaks.

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EK didn’t magically make Enercare call me back faster (though they did call just after I got off the phone with Bob).

But EK did change me. In that moment when I acknowledged the pleasure I was feeling, and fully allowed myself to experience it, my energy shifted and my perspective changed.

Over and over since I started using EK I’ve found this to be true. When I allow myself to feel an unacknowledged pleasure, the energy shifts and things open up.

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A month ago, I wrote about how I want to cultivate more “Boss Beth” energy in 2025.

I’m realizing now that my EK practice is an important piece of that intention.

Because on that day after my gas got turned off, I only started to feel like Boss Beth after EK changed my energy.

So maybe I won’t do an EK meditation every day in 2025, but I do commit to keep on doing it regularly.